Saturday, February 13, 2010

Dear Mattel: Re Computer Engineer Barbie? You're Doing it Wrong

So. Mattel finally gets around to making a geek Barbie: Nothing could be further from reality than this:

Since we all know that once Mattel makes a toy the spec doesn't change for 25 years, they might as well get it right. So here's my spec for 'Computer Engineer Barbie':

1/ Chop 1/3 of the height, because 'Geek Barbie' is born in Shanghai, China. B-Cup size, and can 'squirt' (to piss off the Aussies) when squeezed. You could add a shrill stream of random Mandarin Chinese but that might raise the price.

2/ Accessories & Clothing: Seriously lose the handbag, she's got a trendy little mini-backpack filled with: Netbook that dual boots 'Red Flag Linux' & a bootleg version of Windows 7 with CygWin; USB thumb drive chock full of filched source code from Google & Microsoft, 'Little Red Book', all access ID badge for those night-time forays into machine rooms to "gin up" syslogs; clothing is Asian business sexay (see DVD below).

3/ Clothing #1: Cute little 'Chairman Mao' ensemble, functional 'Little Red Book'. Worn when the party officials come around wondering how the spying's going. Two "paid for" bullets (one for Mom, one for Dad) to remind her of who she really works for. Right front pocket. Left front pocket is filled with Chinese yuan (valueless outside China, used to bribe various officials).

4/ Clothing #2: "Shanghai Clubkid Ensemble", kind of a combo of Japanese cosplay schoolgirl with a taste of Shanghai, seeing as it's the PRC's version of Las Vegas. Worn when she has to wine & dine the dumb Westerners who come around asking if she's still 'on milestone'. Accessories: Cat ears, glasses, iPhone prototype (from dead boyfriend), all in a Louis Vuitton handbag (knockoff).

5/ Clothing #3: "Pajamas & Flip-Flops" for off days around town.

Finally, Computer Engineer Barbie (Ba2 Xie3?) doesn't travel very well. Give her a few years though, and then you can roll out 'silly Amelickan Expat' wear (the current clothes line + pajamas + flip-flops) as well as an H1B VISA accessory to compliment the 'Little Red Book.'

Finally, there's NO KEN. But there is a 'Donald', aka monolingual 'Former English teacher from the old country'. She leaves Donald for a much older white guy, Don goes on to write Anti-Chinese propaganda for NASSCOM.

Seriously Mattel. Get with the program. "Computer Engineers" are neither white, nor male, and haven't been since about the year 2000 . Everyone knows that.

Here's the perfect template if you need a model. Yeah, this 'action figure' is Japanese, but slap a jade bracelet on-- I mean really, who (in the West) knows the difference anyway?

Mentok out.

[Here's your 'Barbie' right here: NSFW]

"スチュワーデスin...(脅迫スイートルーム) Cabin Attendant Saki(24)大塚咲 [DVD]" (ドリームチケット)

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