iPad: Y'all been done FUTURE PUNKED by Uncle Steve

[UPDATE: For alla youse who don't wanna sift, here's the link for the best analysis of the iPad to date from Frasier Speirs, the Flickr/Aperture Export guy. Thanks me later.]

Hey clubkids, it's your Uncle Drunky with yet more ranty-ravy gravy for you to drank up on. We're nowhere near 2015 yet, but thanks to Uncle Steve we're well on our way. And here's why...

First, I'm going to introduce you to Uncle Steve's X-Man mutant power. And you heard it here first: Future Punking, aka Future Shocking you little plebes for kicks. And he's sooooo good at it, the troll-fu has always been strong with this one. I have to agree with Frasier Spiers and his assessment of the whole iPad thing. Y'all been done Future Shocked. Punked. Future Punked!

Dear Uncle Steve: I Can Has Camera & MESHNet by 2015? Hold the Flash

Hello Uncle Stevie, it’s one of your unwashed little geek fans, Drunky. Longtime fan here, who just acquired an iPhone 3GS after 5 years with Symbian/Noke tech. What a caveman I’ve been.

As we both know, nothing really moves until the midpoint of an era — I’m kinda nonplussed about anything really happening in 2010. What I do know is that 2015 will be a very interesting time. Let me tell you why, and pray indulge me. Because you’ll finally usher us into the 21st century. How? Connectivity. High touch.

Microsoft punks Adobe on the iPhone - Silverlight serves HTML5 via IIS?

In the kingdom of the slumdog software purveyors, the one with clue is king. And if by ‘worked with Apple’ —you mean— ‘didn’t piss them off with weasel workarounds and bluster’ —then the title is quite apropo.

Seriously. Go to this address NOW: http://iis.net/iphone with either a Mac or your iPhone. Be impressed, be VERY impressed at the adaptive streaming, even over AT&T’s lackluster 3G, of the Silverlight ‘Media Server’.

Clueless Twats, iPhone Jailbreaking is NOT for you.

[UPDATE: As some commenters in Posts #7, #10, & #20 say, SSH is not installed by default. So again, kids, DO NOT ASK ANYONE TO HACK YOUR IPHONE.]

Ah, TUAW. Most of the time they’re like TIRED, Bollycrunch & other shallow rags, but today they’re dead on. About worms, jailbreaking, and user stupidity.

Yes, there’s a new worm, and yes, there are still clueless twats who want to Jailbreak knowing zip about what they’re getting into. So of course I blew up at this retard *cough* enduser after he asked TUAW for an ‘SSH Tutorial’:

Stephen Colbert's lil bro Seth on why ATT is teh suck

Really. This Seth kid really *does* look like Colbert's kid brother. PR bunnies are soooo cute when they try to translate tech to Engrish. At least the kid can look at a teleprompter:

Yeah, ATT, we hear you. Same old same old. At least what you have Seth blah-blahing at least makes sense, and doesn't quite put us to sleep like this 'soma' from Hippy-rina about her peoples da 'Boomers & the GOP will destroy Twitter to save it' blather.

I pay $30/mo for DSL that trails behind 3rd world countries-- You did the typical ISP mistake of over-subscribing your network by a factor of 3 or more, and now you're applying that successful model to your cell network too.

I also pay $30/mo for 3G that isn't. 'Less bars in more places.'

So if this is old news then why is Seth standing in front of a green screen?

$AAPL is ready for a divorce. That's why.

Sometimes I think AT&T is staffed by monkeys. Build out your network and stop pulling QoS tricks like Comcrap. For you civilians:

"Technical, Commercial and Regulatory Challenges of QoS: An Internet Service Model Perspective (The Morgan Kaufmann Series in Networking)" (XiPeng Xiao)